Jess Lakritz

The First Steps to a Shiny, Flawless College Admissions Essay

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“Don’t tell me the moon is shining; show me the glint of light on broken glass.” 
― Anton Chekhov 

Like your recommendation letters, your essays are one of the most important parts of your application. They count 10 points just like any other section, but once you have passed the initial review, the committee decision is highly influenced by your essay. The admissions officers want to know if you are an interesting person, if you will contribute to the environment of the university, and if you are helpful and friendly. They want to get to know you, so show them your best self. 

Before I begin, I would like to note that your essay can be based on any experience that affected you, be it monumental and life-altering or any regular day. The point is, it does not matter what you write about; what matters is how you write about it. As such, writing a mediocre essay about a monumental, life-altering experience will not earn you many points.

Also, with such a small word limit, make what you say count. Don’t talk about what you do, as those things have already been made clear by the rest of the application. An admissions officer at Yale mentions this:

In reality, what (the essay) is for is a way to understand why you do the things you do, how those things impact you, how those experiences shaped your worldview.

So let’s get started. I first want to show you an example of a great admissions essay. Then I will list the elements that make a college admissions essay great, using the examples to explicate. This way, it will be as clear as possible how you can write your own amazing essay. 

December 24, 2005 was a cold and cloudy day in Lock Haven, Pennsylvania. I had been living as an exchange student with the Gehman family for about a month, and this was my first Christmas Eve away from home. I really missed my family and couldn’t stop thinking about the traditional Bolivian dinner that took many hours to cook, our tall Christmas tree with glittering lights and golden decorations, and the long Christmas table talk after dinner as we waited for midnight to open our gifts. 

I was expecting we would stay up until midnight to open the gifts just as I did back home, but at 6:00pm, I found myself sitting at the dinner table hearing the Gehman’s talk about waking up early the next morning.  Surprised, I asked them, “When are we celebrating Christmas?” “Tomorrow morning,” they said. I felt sad and disappointed and told them that as a family tradition I used to stay awake until midnight to give everyone a hug and open our presents together. They smiled and continued talking about their plans for the next day. I warned them that I was going to wake them up at midnight, but they didn’t take me seriously.

At 9:00pm, I went to my bedroom, just like any other night. I stayed awake eating candy and reading some letters I had received from family and friends. All the lights had been turned off, and the house was completely silent. To me, this was the most important night of the year, and there I was, feeling lonely. My eyes got watery as I thought this was going to be the worst Christmas Eve ever. I lay in my bed and tried to close my eyes, but I couldn’t. I saw the clock ticking and felt like every minute was an hour. Around 11:55pm, I decided to sneak out of my room and look for the seashell the Gehman’s blew every time there was to be an important meeting. I got back to my room, and as my watch pointed midnight sharp, I got out of my room and shouted, “Merry Christmas Gehman family!” I went into every bedroom blowing the shell as hard as I could. I turned on the lights as my two youngest host-brothers quickly got up and helped me wake everyone else up. As we walked down the hallway, I looked back and saw my host-parents faces. They were probably thinking, “What the hell is this Bolivian kid doing in my house.”

When we got downstairs, everything changed. I can clearly remember the big smile on everyone’s faces. My two younger host-brothers were playing with the new board games I had bought for them from Amazon, my host-father was sitting on the floor reading his comic book, my host-sister and host-mother were wearing the Bolivian earrings I had brought for them from home, and Andrew, my older host-brother, was running around the house trying to avoid my Christmas Eve hug. Everyone was joyful and laughing, and we didn’t go to bed until 1:30am.

The following year, on December 24 at 11:50 pm, as I was sitting with my family back home, the phone rang. It was my host family calling to wish me a Merry Christmas and to let me know that they had the seashell ready for midnight so they could get the family together to celebrate Christmas.

So what makes this essay so great? Read on!

Seven Essential Elements for Your College Admissions Essay

1) It starts strong. Many admissions officers will read over 1000 essays each, which means that they will probably, to some extent, be skimming. How do you catch their attention? The first line! Write an opening sentence that will make readers curious. Often, essays begin with sentences like: My experience studying abroad in high school taught me how rewarding it is to be open and courageous. This is boring and unoriginal. You’ll get to express those sentiments later on. The first goal is to make sure they are interested enough to keep reading. 

Notice how the essay above begins with a mysterious and descriptive scenario: December 24, 2005 was a cold and cloudy day in Lock Haven, Pennsylvania. This is interesting because it informs readers that this is a story. Stories are entertaining. It describes the scene so that readers can envision it, and it implies by the fact that it was remembered so well that there is something bigger coming. The most important part is that it makes you want to keep reading. 

Another way to hook readers is say something surprising or shocking. Or you could begin with information that begins in the middle of the story. These are just a few ideas. Avoid cliché story beginnings such as: one day or I remember when. However you chose to start your essay, make sure you SAY SOMETHING INTERESTING.

So how do you get started? The best way to learn how to write an impactful first line is to read others. Here are 10 great ways to start an essay:

  1. The bottle exploded and set my clothes on fire.
  2. I actually did jump off the bridge.
  3. The black grease smeared across my face was proof enough to me that the day was successful.
  4. The answer to the question was either hamburgers or faith.
  5. The sleet that covered the afternoon turned out to be like a strange kind of mirror that showed me everything, whether I wanted to see it or not. 
  6. I’ll tell you why, all summer, they thought my name was Brenda.
  7. As we sped down the interstate that ran through the endless Alabama night, I watched dark trees float by and headlights turn into blurry waves—I was eight years old when I fell in love with the road.
  8. What interested me most was his preoccupation with butterflies.
  9. I poured twelve cans of salt into the bathtub before filling it up with water. 
  10. It’s worth it to have what they call castle eyes.

And for an additional resource, here are some first lines of admissions essays that worked at Stanford. 

2) It tells a story. As I mentioned, stories are entertaining. Would you rather read a story about the time John studied abroad and surprised his host-family on Christmas by waking them up at midnight to share his family tradition with them, or John’s cover letter for a job, stating that he is an adventurous and audacious individual, citing references to why that is the case? Both communicate the same thing, but one method of sharing that information is more enjoyable than the other. 

So what is a story, and how can you write one for your admissions essay?

First let’s think of the story parts. 

1. Introduction: Readers need to know what’s going on! Background information.

  • Who is it about? 
    • For your application essay, this is you.
  • Where is it taking place? Here are some types of setting details that you might include:
    • China, the lake, the kitchen, at a 7-11.
    • Is it morning? Is it sunny? Is it 5 years ago?
      • Include only relevant information. If it doesn’t help the reader understand the story better, leave it out. 
  • What is it like? This is also called the tone or the mood.
    • It is sad, serious, funny, crazy, scary, etc?
    • Is it lighthearted or intense?
    • Tone is the way you say something (can be influenced by word choice, syntax, imagery, etc) For example, let’s look at a couple examples:
      • The answer to the question was either hamburgers or faith. The tone set by this line is lighthearted and funny. 
      • December 24, 2005 was a cold and cloudy day in Lock Haven, Pennsylvania… The tone is serious, perhaps a little sad. Establishing tone was the reason for beginning the essay with the details about the weather. In the essay above, tone is also established when the writer makes it apparent that he is feeling homesick: I really missed my family and couldn’t stop thinking about…all the things from home.

The point is this: readers need to know what’s going on! 

2. Action. The middle of the story, after we are properly oriented as to what is going on, is where the major events take place. These parts are commonly called :

  • Rising action 
    • Events leading up to the climax, introducing tension or a crisis of some kind
    • Example: Boy realizes his host-family’s Christmas begins in the morning, not at midnight, and this makes him feel uncomfortable. 
  • Climax 
    • The reason for writing the story, the turning point, your life has changed in some way
    • Examples: When the boy gets punched in the stomach, or blows the seashell and wake up the family
  • Falling Action
    • Experiencing the consequences of the climax
    • Example: When the boy’s host-family wakes up to enjoy Christmas at midnight
  • Resolution. This is where reflection takes place, understanding how and why the conflict was resolved. 
    • Example: Boy feels happy and proud and comfortable as he experiences the gratifying results of his actions.
    • Implicit, unspoken growth: boy now understands that taking risks will often lead to internal gratification. He sees he made a difference in the lives of the family because they call next year.

3) It is detailed: If the main point of the essay is so that admissions officers can get to know you, share details that speak to who you are. Describe your feelings and emotions in a situation: the more specific descriptions, the better. The example essay shows that the applicant is courageous, emotional, family- oriented, caring, affectionate, and maybe a bit stubborn. You learn all these things from the descriptions: sneaking out of the room, eyes getting watery, the old family traditions, and chasing the hug-avoiding host-brother around the house. You know who this person is and how he behaves. You see his uniqueness through the events of the story without having to say it directly.

Sensory details, or details that express the five senses, are also very effective because they help the reader build an image/sound/smell/taste/feeling in their head so that they are transported to the scene, much like a work of fiction. The example essay states: All the lights had been turned off, and the house was completely silent. These sensory details help readers understand the scene, so they can really sense the loneliness that was felt by the boy. Perhaps they will even forget they are reading and go there with him for a moment or two. This is the ideal result. 

Here is an example of two ways to describe the same event:

  • I walked out of the house, and the wind was blowing, which caused tears to form in my eyes. I went to find the missing glove.
  • As I walked out of the house, the cold wind pricked my face like needles until tears formed in my eyes. Still, the glove was out there, and I was going to find it. 

In the first example, the description does not provide much information about the character. It simply presents the actions. In the second example, the actions are presented, but also the determination of the character through the dedication of finding the glove despite the discomfort. 

The important thing is that the details you include help to show the situation so that admissions officers get to know who you are!

Here’s a tip to get started:

In your first draft, just get your ideas out. Write down the basic story. Later, you can go through and look at your sentences, using the example above to guide you, adding details and phrasing your sentences to communicate the tone more accurately to reveal more about who you are.